Why do we wait for death to finally say the good word?

I’ve been sitting with this question for years. And I keep seeing the same pattern, in boardrooms, academic halls, family dinners, and comment sections across the world.

We withhold respect from people while they’re alive. Then the moment they die.. we can’t stop talking about how remarkable they were.

As an Egyptian, I have a very specific name for this syndrome. I would call it the “Pharaonic Complex.”

My ancestors built the most breathtaking civilization in human history. They mastered astronomy, medicine, architecture, philosophy. And yet.. their greatest monuments were not built for the living. They were built for the dead.

“The cruelest thing we do to each other.. is save our best words for the eulogy.”

The grandest pyramids. The most elaborate tombs. The most intricate rituals. All reserved for those who were no longer here to experience them. They celebrated death.. and quietly -to some extent- neglected life.

I want to be honest with my global audience today; this is not an Egyptian problem. Every culture has its own version of this “pyramid.”

The Japanese have a saying that the nail that sticks out gets hammered down, until it’s gone, and then it becomes a legend. The West has a long tradition of the “misunderstood genius”; dismissed in life, canonized in death.

In many Eastern cultures, elders are honored in elaborate funeral rites by the same families who barely called them. In our modern digital world? We have cancel culture in life.. and tribute threads in death. Different pyramids. Same syndrome.

So where does this fear come from?

Why is it so hard to say a good word to someone we respect, especially someone we disagree with? I think there are a few uncomfortable truths here:

“You don’t have to agree with someone to honor their existence. That is not weakness. That is civilization.”

We’ve confused respect with surrender. Somewhere along the way, we decided that acknowledging someone’s value means losing the argument. That saying “I respect your perspective” is a sign of weakness. So we hold back. We protect our position. We save the kind word for when it can no longer threaten us, because the person is gone.

We’ve mistaken silence for strength. In many professional and academic cultures, emotional restraint is seen as sophistication. Expressing admiration openly feels vulnerable. Awkward. Even naive. So we keep it inside, and it only comes out as grief.

We live in an era of “performative disagreement”. Social media has turned difference of opinion into identity warfare. To publicly acknowledge the merit in someone you’ve publicly opposed feels like a betrayal; of your tribe, your brand, your followers. So the respect stays locked away.

And perhaps most painfully, we assume they already know. We think the people we quietly admire must sense it somehow. That our respect is obvious even without words. It almost never is.

“Silence is not neutral. When someone deserved your respect and you withheld it.. the silence was a choice.”

I’ve seen this in universities more than anywhere else. Scholars who spent decades challenging each other’s work, finally finding common ground at retirement speeches and memorial services.

Faculty members who were dismissed, marginalized, even mocked for ideas that were “too radical”, only to be celebrated in the very lecture halls that once silenced them, after they were gone.

Leaders whose wisdom was ignored in every meeting, quoted extensively in the tributes written the week after they passed.

The institution withheld the respect. Then it spent the eulogy apologizing.

Think right now of someone you deeply disagree with. Someone whose ideas challenge yours. Whose presence perhaps frustrates you. Someone you’ve clashed with, professionally, intellectually, or personally.

If you heard tomorrow that they were gone.. you know exactly what you would feel. You know exactly what you would say about them.

Say it today.

Not as a surrender. Not as an endorsement of everything they believe. But as a human being acknowledging another human being’s worth. You lose nothing. And you might gain something neither of you expected.

We don’t live in the age of the Pharaohs. We don’t need to wait for death to build something magnificent in someone’s honor. We have something they may have missed or did not have: The living word. The present moment. The choice.

Spend a moment today on someone who deserves to hear, while they can still hear it, that you see them. That you respect them. That despite everything that divides you.. their presence in this world has mattered.

Respect the living. The way you would mourn the dead.

Don’t build them a “pyramid” after they’re gone. Give them a moment of dignity while they’re here.

Prof. Bassem Khafagy, 25 March 2026

#Leadership #HumanConnection #Respect #HigherEducation #GlobalLeadership #Wisdom #AcademicLeadership